The Lexicon of Langwich
A Dictionary of Alternative Definitions,
employing Inappropriate Wit and Second-Rate Etymology
Abaddon – A really rubbish Mafia boss.
Abalone – A type of shellfish that yields absolute nonsense.
Abattoir – The name of a little-heard-of Swedish pop group that lasted less than a fortnight, which was formed by the remaining three members of Abba after Benny went for a wander in a snowstorm dressed in nothing but his beard. He returned a month later, beardless and four centimetres shorter, but by then it was far too late for a reform.
Abecedarian – Someone whose hobby is to carve sculptures out of the trunks of coniferous trees until they resemble the historically famous American President, Abraham Lincoln.
Aberrant – The whining monologue of a fantasy writer who, usually through jealousy, thinks it’s really unfair that the author Joe Abercrombie manages to be so popular.
Abkhazia – A debilitating condition whose sufferers find it extremely difficult to get off the toilet.
Abscond – The result of having successfully wiped yourself clean of all crumbs after being bombarded with scones.
Absolutist – Someone who historically was considered a grand-master of stringed instruments.
Absorb – The rare phenomenon of a mysterious globe of light appearing near a bodybuilder’s midriff.
Abstract – The wiggly line that runs vertically through the centre of a toned stomach.
Abundance – A village get-together that sees its attendants gyrating frantically in a circle around a pile of sticky confectionary.
Acarophily – A wooden horse used on chlldren’s fairground rides.
Accentuate – A firm of fixers who specialise in helping people regurgitate difficult pronunciations they’ve swallowed.
Accessorise – A skyscraper designed solely for the use of disabled people.
Acerola – A championship-level athlete who competes in olympic wheelchair events.
Acetic – A nervous facial twitch that gets it just right.
Acetum – One of the target Pilates achievements.
Achaenocarp – A type of fish that attempts to mimic the vocalisations of disappointed Scottish fishermen, but fails.
Acharné – A pessimistic, upper-class Scotsman who is prone to violent vocal outbursts.
Acrid – A field-sized mammal whose breath smells extremely pungent.
Acrodont – A dentist that specialises in minimising the stench from an acrid’s mouth.
Acrophony – A massive mushroom that outwardly appears identical to an acrid, but on closer inspection lacks the hideous morning-breath odour due to possessing neither a mouth nor a circulatory system.
Actinia – The Latin name for Hollywood.
Actinoid – The resident species of Actinia, slightly resembling and loosely related to humans.
Acumen – Battery-powered German soldiers.
Acyclovir – Someone so passionate about bicycles that it often induces herpes.
Adactylous – A small insect that breeds in the cracks between a pterodactyl’s toes, rotting the feet until they drop off in mid-flight.
Adamant – The first ant, created by God 400 million years ago, and husband of Adamantina who was formed from his spare mandible.
Addax – A fabled heroine of Trill mythology from the Star Trek universe.
Addiction – An adverse effect on the reader of a lexicon of language, instilling in them an irrational urge to continue reading until it brings them out in hives.
Adenectomy – Surgical procedure which involves splicing a neck between the shoulders and head of those born without one.
Adenohypophysis – The suggested explanation for the phenomenon of babies born in the shape of a huge, featureless gland.
Adenoid – Someone born with the affliction of resembling nothing more than an oversized bag of guts.
Adipsia – The chronic aversion to a particular Telly Tubby.
Adjustment – How one goes about justifying a shameless advertisement they’ve placed.
Adriamycin – The refusal of parents to accept, predominantly exhibited by fathers who were desperate to have a baby boy, that their new-born child is actually a girl.
Adularia – The neurological condition suffered by young girls with low self-esteem, which makes them unable to be anything other than obedient and servile to everyone they meet.
Adventure – The scientifically-proven gap in the logic of the Christian season of excitement that leads up to the birth of Jesus.
Adygei – An extremely camp email address.
Adynamia – An inherent weakness that lowers the resistance of Twitter users, turning them into serial followers.
Aeëtes – A mythological Greek king with an addiction to gorging on kebabs.
Aerobe – The attire of the Emperor in a popular Danish folk tale.
Aerodigestive – A limited edition biscuit topped with bubbly chocolate.
Aeroplane – A realm of existence believed to be situated in the upper atmosphere, populated mostly by quiet entities, with the exception of an obnoxious drunk and a crying baby.
Aerotaxis – The hypothesised flying black cabs of the future.
Aesop – An idiotic Greek with a penchant for overindulging in the anthropomorphism of animals.
Afferent – The monthly fee paid for the hire of German monkeys.
Affinity – A clause of the Infinite Monkey Theorem which suggests that West European primates could rewrite the works of Shakespeare in a shorter stretch of infinity than most other tree-swingers.
Agalactia – The aversion to accept that the universe is filled with billions of galaxies, favouring instead the idea that all the lights in the sky visible to the naked eye are really angels.
Aggadah – An ancient Jewish pop song which the 1980s group Black Lace translated for the enjoyment of middle-aged women and young children at British holiday camps, and later were accused by the holy leaders of Judaism of plagiarism. The case was dropped due to no one being able to name the original writer of the song.
Agricola – A general of ancient Rome who introduced the growing of Coca-Cola plants to Scottish farmers. The trend was soon dropped as a silly idea.
Agrodolce – An Italian-Greek designer of initially rather trendy fields that tend to go a bit baggy after a year or so.
Ahura Mazda – A wise space spirit captured by Captain Kirk, destined to enjoy an overly-long career upon cheap-looking starships.
Aikido – A respectful Geordie vocalisation when greeting a Japanese spirit.
Ainsley – A masculine Scottish name which translates into English as: Scoundrel, get your hands off my sleigh!
Alameda – A straight, tree-lined, one-way promenade that leads directly to the Meadow-of-no-Return.
Albigenses – The theory that the first microbial life on Earth suffered from albinoism.
Album – A statue of an infamous tramp made entirely of aluminium.
Albuquerque – The pejorative name given by a Spaniard visiting ancient Scotland to a time-travelling Captain Kirk, in reference to his milky complexion.
Alcid – A member of any of the the extinct species of beer-guzzling birds.
Alcohol – The type of vacation popularised by Brits who notoriously drink lager from breakfast until the final late-night, vomit-accompanied karaoke song.
Algebra – A semi-aquatic, coastal species of zebra which births its young in clumps of seaweed.
Algid – A seemingly bipedal and rare lifeform that exists in certain temperate coastal rock pools, but is actually a cluster of algae that has learned to mimic the basic human form and does so whenever someone wanders too near.
Algorithm – An extremely pain-inducing type of dance, used as a form of therapy in resolving a number of physical and mental issues. Unfortunately, half of the time it ends up causing more problems than it solves.
Algum – A seaweed, used in Biblical times, that was crushed into a paste using pestle and mortar until it was of a consistency that could be chewed.
Al Hufuf – A Muslim caliph with a predisposition towards showing his frequent displeasure by blowing heavily and puffing his cheeks out.
Ali Baba – An Arabian baby who prematurely discovered a dark cave full of hidden treasures.
Alienation – The resultant mess of an entire society obsessed with not telling the truth to one another, culminating in a country-wide feeling of being utterly alone.
Aligarh – An ancient Vedic priest with a penchant for doing cliched impressions of pirates at the most inappropriate moments during prayer.
Alkanet – A safety device attached between the footrest and the top of the bar in a public house to catch any knocked-over pint glasses.
Allah – An indecisive Abrahamic deity with advanced senility, making him never able to finish vocalising the things he intends to do.
Allanite – The long and dark theoretic eon of the Earth, should Islam manage to gain domination.
Alliaceous – Used to describe the unfortunate condition of sexy female lawyers who stink of garlic.
Allopathy – The fevered practice of repeatedly watching episodes of a popular comedy series set in a French war-time cafe.
Allophone – The first French form of telephonic communication, which was notorious for cutting the connection after the initial opening greeting.
Allosaur – A large bipedal dinosaur native to Jurassic France, with balding hair, a full moustache, and an amusing accent used to lure its prey into a false sense of security before attacking them with a hilarious and deadly one-liner.
Allotheism – The worship of a small but passionate cult’s gods, who believe the entire recurring cast of ‘Allo! ‘Allo! are a divine pantheon sent to Earth to keep everybody amused with tired, cliched parodies of Western Europeans.
Alpaca – A domesticated llama used for carrying heavy bags across the Swiss mountains.
Altitude – The resulting hole left behind after a part of the ozone layer was eaten by a passing crystalline entity.
Amaryllis – A fabled species of flower which the singer Tony Christie spent decades trying to find, though he gave his search up shortly before reaching Texas, having exhausted his vocal chords by asking everyone he passed if he was heading in the right direction.
Amaut – What an Inuit woman might say to her husband when she puts her hood as she’s leaving the family igloo.
Ambient – A vicious tree monster in Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings that is able to attack with two of its branches at the same time.
Ambivalence – The unusual phenomenon of two men singing a duet of Tell Laura I Love Her.
Ambulance – A motorised, weaponised robot that wanders around in search of unsightly boils it can cut off people’s necks.
Amelcorn – A species of legless unicorn that moves around by lying on its back and pulling itself along the ground by its horn. Typically found lying around in fields, eating lots of wheat and being lazy.
Amenable – A descriptive term for a prayer that is deemed worthy of being said in church.
Amenity – A public facility where people can go when they have an urgent need to pray to their god, though the cleanliness of the porcelain shrine is often enough to dissuade individuals from kneeling.
Amenorrhoea – The reaction of frequent church-goers after engaging in one too many bouts of fevered worship, often resulting in the next week’s Sunday Mass having few attendees due to the majority of the congregation being stuck at home on the toilet.
Amino – A domino with absolutely no dots on it.
Amish – The existential reasoning that suggests a person neither is or isn’t, but rather exists just a little bit.
Amnesia – A philosophical argument that postulates the essence of the soul is focused only in the leg joints and aural organs.
Amortize – The spiritual coupling of love and death.
Anabantid – A yellow fish that protects itself from being detected by predators by separating its body in the middle and reattaching its two halves by clasping its mouth over its tail to resemble a half-eaten sea banana.
Anaclastic – A fake snake.
Anacoluthon – The obscure and unpredictable sport of racing snakes over a long distance.
Analgesia – The artificially-induced numbness given by a doctor to prevent you from feeling his finger going up your bum.
Analog – An animal’s leavings that resemble a thick chunk of broken tree.
Analyse – Creatures with an innate curiosity of their surroundings, that are most often found infesting monkeys’ bottoms.
Anaplasia – The resultant effect on a man who gets duped into willingly giving his credit card details and half his personal belongings to a crafty woman who he never sees again.
Anatolia – The compounded shame felt by a man suffering from anaplasia when all his friends remind him how they’d tried to warn him, but he wouldn’t listen.
Ancestor – Someone who steadfastly does not believe in sleeping with members of his or her family.
Anchorage – What happens when Popeye goes mental.
Anchovy – A vine-like sea plant often found festooned upon a sunken anchor.
Andropov – A Greek mythological female who disguised herself as a Russian male peasant.
Anemoscope – A funnel inserted up the bum to assist in relieving someone of trapped wind.
Angakok – A permanently furious Inuit shaman whose sacred robes and headdress are fashioned to resemble his equally sacred manhood.
Angel – A radiant, viscous formula applied to the skin to ease the pain related to heart disease.
Anguifauna – All of a particular region’s local serpentine wildlife that have had their tongues removed to change their speech impediment from a lisp to a rhoticism, thus making them extremely ill-tempered.
Animato – A four-limbed, dancing tomato.
Annoyance – A yearly meeting of spiritual mediums that usually culminates in many of the attendees getting pissed off with each other’s spurious claims that they’ve got more ghost friends than everyone else.
Anoopsia – The medical term for a neurological defect that manifests as a vocal tic when someone drops an item they should easily have held on to.
Anserine – A rare orange fruit shaped vaguely like a goose.
Antagonize – The practice of irritating members of the oft-annoying formicidae family of insects, until it becomes unbearable for them.
Antediluvian – To be opposed to the idea that Noah was the only human who survived the Great Flood of the Old Testament, and to believe that anyone who supports the notion is extremely deluded.
Antimatter – The confusing relationship of having an aunty who is also your mother. This rare occurrence is most often caused by your father marrying one of a set of Siamese twins.
Appear – The name given to a piece of fruit when it’s impossible to tell whether it’s an apple or a pear.
Appelation – The ghostly visitation of a long-dead apple.
Approximate – The sort of friend you only ever see if they’re in the company of one of your other friends.
Aristotle – The inimitable way that Frank Bruno’s famous sports commentator friend would wander back home after they’d had a few rounds at the pub.
Ashtray – A very murky beam of light.
Askance – A now defunct web browser hosted by a trio of supposedly omniscient ants.
Aspire – The act of sweating profusely through the rectum.
Astronaut – Another name for a black dwarf star. The state of an astral body when it reaches zero entropy.
Ataxia – A black cab driver who has no control over his vehicle.
Aurora – The utterance by someone who attempts to make an addition to a statement but fails miserably.
Aztec – A glossary of technical terminology.